I FELT LOST NOT WANTED OR GOOD ENOUGH

I WAS SO EXCITED TO PLAY VOLLEYBALL I ENJOY PLAYING SPORTS AND MY MOM WAS INTO SPORTS ALL HER LIFE AND I WANTED TO BE LIKE HER.  AND GET TROPHY LIKE SHE GOTS.  WILL VOLLEY BALL SEASON CAME AND MY MOM WAS THE COACH      
THAT CAN BE A GOOD THING AND A BAD THING.)  
I DO HAVE A ARM THAT WILL NOT STRAITENS  ALL THE WAY.  SO THE BALL "CAN GO EVERYWHERE"  WELL OUR TEAM WAS GOOD ENOUGH TO WIN FIRST PLACE I THOUGHT TO MY SELF WOW A TROPHY JUST LIKE MY MOM .  AND FIRST PLACE. TROPHY.  WELL I ALSO DID NOT WANT TO JUST GET THE TROPHY FOR SETTING ON THE BENCH EITHER..  MOM KNOWS I AM NOT THAT GOOD OF A PLAYER BUT LIKE PLAYING BALL.  (REMEMBER THIS IS CHURCH BALL).  I WANTED TO WIN FIRST PLACE SO I WOULD PRACTICED BY MY SELF AND REALLY WORK HARD.  THE TIME CAME TO PLAY THE FINIAL GAME AND WE WERE NECK TO NECK MOST OF THE TIME.
 MOM CALLED A TIME OUT AND I OVER HEARD MY MOM SAY TO A PLAYER "WHEN THE BALL COMES TO LYNDA I WANT YOU TO JUMP IN  AND YOU HIT THE BALL"
 I COULD NOT BELIEVE SHE WOULD SAY THAT .  I JUST KEEP QUITE AND SAID A PRAYER AND ASK GOD TO HELP ME. THE TIME CAME FOR ME TO SERVE THE BALL OVER THE NET I WOULD DO THE THINGS I NEEDED TO DO LIKE MAKING SURE I DON'T STEP ON THE LINE AND ETC.  PLAYERS WOULD SAY HURRY HURRY. I DID NOT LISTEN TO THEN.  EVEN THOUGH THE TIME ON THE CLOCK WAS TICKING.  I MADE MY SERVES AND THEY COULD NOT RETURN MOST OF THEM AND BOY THAT FELT GOOD
THE GAME WAS OVER AND WE WON FIRST PLACE AND I HELP WIN IT.   I WAS SO HAPPY  WILL MOM AND I WALK HOME AND I SHOWED MY MOM THE TROPHY AND THAT I WAS SO EXCITED.  MOM REPLAYED AND SAID  "NOW YOU GOT YOUR TROPHY SHUT UP ABOUT IT"  I WENT NUMB AND DIDN'T SAY A NOTHER WORD ALL THE WAY HOME AND I WENT IN THE BACK WAY IN TO THE HOUSE AND WENT UP STAIRS AND PUT THE TROPHY IN THE DRAWER AND SHUT IT.  I SAT ON THE BED AND JUST CRIED.  I FELT LIKE I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT WITH MY MOM   I FELT NOT WANTED .
I WALK TO SCHOOL BY MY SELF MOST OF MY SCHOOL YEARS.  NOT THAT I WANTED TO ,IT WAS JUST THE WAY IT WAS. 

BEING IN SPECIAL ED ALL THROUGH THE YEARS.PEOPLE LOOK AT YOU FUNNY OR DIFFERENT.  I FELT LOST AND NOT WANTED OR GOOD ENOUGH  IT WAS LIKE THIS OFF AND ON ALL THROUGH THE  YEARS. SO I COULD NOT FEEL CLOSE TO MY MOM. 


  LIVE HAS ITS UPS AND DOWNS