MY LITTLE MISSIONARY

When my little boy pass away in 2003 of November 23, I would have priesthood blessings off and on to help me cope with things and of my lost of my little one.  the thing thing that stick out in  my mind the most is.  That in the blessing  the lord said; "RJ SENDS HIS LOVE ,HE'S GRATEFUL FOR ALL THAT I LYNDA IS MOM DONE FOR HIM, AND THAT HE IS DOING THE LORD'S WORK," 
It makes me feel like that is a missionary letter to mom.  when i realize this it touch me in a way that I will never forget.  Yes he is a missionary in heaven 

Rj I love you and miss you and I'm grateful  and honored to be your mom, love you with all my heart,xoxoxoo

O, C, D

When i realized that i had , o.c.d  i felt releif  to find out one of the things that i have to understand,  why things where happening the way they were.  Even though, i also feel imbarrasse that I have another problem on top of some other problems.  Well i had to swallow hard and take it all in and work day by day. I thank my God, for the the knowledge that I have. and greatful for the gifts and talents that he has given me.  Even though again that life still very hard and frustating because you want to have someone to love and love you back. I am still taking care of others that are mentely disable and being there for them and love them and help them to enjoy life the best way they can.

AM I REAL

I DID NOT KNOW FOR SURE WHAT TO CALL THIS TITLE OF  THIS STORY,  BUT I WANT TO SHARE THIS EXPERIENCE WITH YOU BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE MIGHT OF WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING. 

I WAS IN SPECIAL ED THROUGH ALL MY SCHOOL YEARS,  I DID NOT GO ON DATES  MUCH BECAUSE I DID NOT GO TO BYU. I WENT TO UVCC.  OR I WAS NOT SMART ENOUGH OR GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM. WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I WAS ON THE FREE WAY AND A CAR WAS BEHIND ME THEN IT MOVED BESIDE ME AND PASS ME AND FOR THE FIRST TIME I REALIZED THAT  I MUST BE REAL FOR HIM TO SEE ME AND PASS ME.  EVEN TO DAY I FEEL THIS ONCE IN AWHILE, LIKE WHEN I GO RUNNING I WAIT FOR A CAR TO GO BUT HE MOTIONS ME TO GO ACROSS THE STREET THEN HE COMES ON TO THE ROAD.  IT MAKES ME STOP TO THINK I MUST BE REAL FOR A CAR TO GO AROUND ME OR A CAR TO LET ME GO ACROSS THE STREET FIRST.  I KNOW IT MUST SOUND WEIRED BUT IT IS TRUE.  I TRY NOT TO LET PEOPLE KNOW THIS BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THEM THINK I MUST BE WEIRED.  WHEN I MEET MY BIRTH MOTHER IT HELP ME PHYSICALLY TO HEAL THAT I AM FROM SOMEONE HERE ON EARTH.  I DO LOOK  LIKE HER AND THAT HELP ALOT.(SHE DOSENT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.) BUT IT HELP MY PHYSICALLY.  AND THEN WHEN I HAD MY SON RJ I FELT AGAIN A HEALING THAT I MUST BE HUMAN TO HAVE A CHILD.  I AM STILL HEALING STEP BY STEP ON ALL THESE EXPERIENCE.  IT IS A SLOW PROSES BUT THAT IS OKAY.

RJ LAST HOURS

I NEVER NEW FOR SURE WHEN IT WAS TIME FOR MY LITTLE MAN TO GO, AND LEAVE THIS EARTH.  BUT THIS TIME I DID NEW.  HE FOUGHT SO MANY SICKNESS OFF AND SMILED AFTER WARDS . I WOULD OF COMPLAIN LONGER THEN HE DID.  ON THIS DAY I WAS NUMB MOST OF THE TIME AND DID NOT NOW FOR SURE WHAT TO DO BUT BE SIDE HIM ALL THROUGH THE TIME.  HE WAS NOT FEELING GOOD AT HIM THURSDAY NIGHT AND I LET HIM STAY THE NIGHT ON THE COUCH.  AND I SLEEP ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO THE COUCH.  FRIDAY MORNING CAME.  I HEARD CHILDREN OUT SIDE WALKING TO SCHOOL.  A FEW MINUTES LATER.  RJ MADE A TIRED NOISE AND I SAID WHAT IS IT RJ, ARE YOU OK SON.  HIS OXYGEN  TANK WENT OFF AND ON WITH THE NOISE.  HIS MONITOR OF BREATHING LEAVEL WENT UP AND DOWN TO LOW.  SO I CALLED 911.  THEY RUSHED HIM TO THE HOSPITAL.  RJ LUNGS WAS FILLED AGAIN AND COULD NOT FIGHT IT OFF THIS TIME.

HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL TELL SUNDAY AFTERNOON.  IN THE MEANTIME THE NURSES WERE COMING AND GOING IN HIS ROOM.  AND THEY ARE MY FAVORITE NURSES FOR MY LITTLE RJ.  AND I WAS VERY GRATEFUL FOR HAVING THEM.  THERE WAS A COUPLE TIMES THAT IT SOUNDED LIKE HE WAS CHOKING AND SO I DID SOME PURCAIONS (TAPING HIS CHEST TO BREAKUP THE STUFF THAT'S IN HIS LUNGS.  IT MADE IT WORSE.  SO THE NURSE CAME IN AND GOT HIM WHERE HE WAS AT BEFORE I TAP HIS CHEST.  THE DOCTOR TALK TO ME ABOUT THE LIFE SUPPORT AND WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN IF I USE IT.  HE ALSO TOLD ME ABOUT HIS LUNGS AND THAT HE HAS NOT MUCH TIME LEFT.  I WAS SO NUMB AND FELT LIKE I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.  I DID NOT WANT HIM TO SUFFER ON THE LIFE SUPPORT.  RJ CONDITION OF HIS SICKNESS WOULD NOT IMPROVE.  SO I DECIDED TO LET RJ BE FREE FROM HIS BODY.  HAS I WATCH HIS BREATHING LEAVEL GO DOWN AND DOWN I WAS PACING BACK AND FORTH IN AND OUT OF THE ROOM.  I DID WATCH HIM TAKE HIS LAST BREATH.  AND I LISTEN TO THE DOCTOR GIVE THE TIME.  OH I JUST DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO OR SAY.  I JUST DID NOT WANT TO SEE HIM SUFFER AND WANTED TO DO THE RIGHT THING FOR HIM.  HE PASSED AWAY NOVEMBER 23 OF 2003 AND WAS BURIED A DAY BEFORE THANKS GIVING .  I WANTED HIM IN A WHITE CASTKET AND PURPLE FLOWERS AND WHITE FLOWERS.  I KNOW THAT I WILL SEE HIM AGAIN AND I KNOW THAT HE IS RUNNING AND PLAYING WITH OTHER CHILDREN AND TALKING UP A STORM OVER THERE.    RJ I LOVE YOU AND SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU AGAIN SOME DAY THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME LOVE YOU AND CARE FOR YOU AND TAKING CARE OF ME.  YOU GAVE ME A HOME TO STAY IN AND A JOB TO LIVE ON.   I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART. AND WE WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER SOME DAY  LOVE MOMMY.

MY TIME TO HEAL

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.  I AM STARTING TO FEEL A HEALING PROSSES IS HAPPENING.  IT IS SIX AND HALF YEARS SINCE RJ PASSED A WAY.   OFF AND ON I WAS THINKING ABOUT GETTING MY NAME CHANGE.  ONE DAY IN MAY OF 2010   I WENT TO THE SOCIAL SECURITY AND ASK HOW DO I GO ABOUT GETTING A NAME CHANGE.  SHE SAID A LOT OF THING AS TO BE DONE FIRST.  I TOOK THE INFORMATION AND LEFT DISAPPOINTED I WAS ALSO SO OVER WHELMED THAT I AND A HARD TIME BREATHING AND I DID NOT DEAR TO DRIVE YET. SO I JUST SAT IN MY CAR TRYING TO THINK  WHO I COULD CALL THAT WOULD UNDERSTAND AND AVAILABLE.  I GOT A HOLD OF MY NIECE AND SHE HELP ME THROUGH.  ABOUT A HOUR LATER , I STARTED TO FEEL A HEALING TAKING  PLACE,  FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.   IT FELT GOOD AND I FELT A TASTE OF FREEDOM.  I NEW RIGHT THEN THAT I NEEDED TO KEEP GOING.
 I WENT TO THE COURT HOUSE AND THEY GAVE ME A EMAIL TO GET THE INFORMATION,  SO I LOOK ON THE INTERNET AND READ IT.   IT WAS OVER WHELMING FOR ME THAT I GOT A FRIEND THAT IS A LAWYER.  AND HE HELP ME WITH THE PAPERS THAT I NEEDED.   AND ONE OF THE LETTERS THAT I HAD TO FILL OUT . THEY HAD TO SEND IT.   TO CHECK MY BACK GROUND CHECK.    WELL WHEN THE TIME CAME TO SEE THE JUDGE.  I WAS SO NERVOUS , BUT WHEN THE TIME CAME MY FRIEND THE LAWYER, WAS THERE WITH IS CLIENT.  WELL WHEN IT WAS MY TURN TO GO UP MY FRIEND WENT UP WITH ME .  AND BEFORE I NEW IT.  IT WAS OVER AND DONE SO FAST THAT I FELT STUN OR WHAT HAPPEN .  ALL OF THE SUDDEN.  MY NAME WAS CHANGE.    EVER SINCE THEN .  EVERY TIME I WRITE MY NAME NOW I FELT A BABY STEP OF HEALING TAKING PLACE.  AND IT FEELS SO GOOD AND I EVEN FEEL HUNGRY FOR THAT HEALING.   I KNOW IT MIGHT BE DIFFERENT FOR OTHERS HOW THE DEAL WITH THINGS BUT WITH ME.  THIS FEELS SO AMAZING AND I FEEL  LIKE NOBODY CAN STOP ME NOW. OR HURT ME AGAIN.  (NOBODY!)
I'M SURE MY FEELINGS MIGHT GET HURT .  BUT I MEANT IS THAT.   I WONT LET IT GET TO ME. I HOPE THAT I NEVER HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN OF WHAT I DID GONE THROUGH. 

RJ LOVES SWIMMING

RJ LOVES WATER ,SO I LET HIM PLAY IN THE TUB..  BUT DEEP DOWN I WANTED TO HIM TO PLAY IN  THE SWIMMING POOL.  BUT RJ WOULD GO INTO SEIZURES ,IF THE WATER IS TO COOL.  SO I  ONLY COULD LET HIM PUT HIS FEET IN TO THE WATER.  OR LET HIM LAY ON THE TUBE.  WELL I DON'T REMEMBER WHEN THIS CAME ABOUT BUT,  I WAS TALKING TO THE DOCTOR , ABOUT HOW WE CAN GET HIM IN A WARM POOL.   THE DR. CAME UP WITH A IDEA OF A  ( P. T.)  TO HELP HIM IN THE THERAPY POOL.   AND HE JUST LOVED IT AND HAD FUN.  IT MADE FEEL SO GRATEFUL THAT THERE IS A WAY  TO DO THINGS.

WHEN I GAVE UP

WHEN I FELT NOT WANTED  OFF AND ON THROUGH MY LIFE.   I DID NOT WANT TO LIVE.  I TRIED A COUPLE TIMES LONG TIME AGO T0 TAKE MY LIFE  .  BUT  SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN LIKE ,THE PHONE WOULD RING OR SOMEONE CAME HOME TO SOON.  THE FEELING NOT WANTED WAS SO THICK THAT IF SOMEONE SAID THEY LOVED ME . OR THEY CARED I WOULD SAY TO MY SELF (YEA SURE YOU DO ) I WOULD NOT BELIEVE THEM.   WHEN RJ DIED AND TWO MONTHS WENT BY .  I WAS QUIT HURT FROM MY FRIENDS BECAUSE  THEY DID NOT WANT ME AROUND ANY MORE.   I JUST COULD NOT HANDLE IT ANY MORE.  I  ALSO FELT NOT GOOD ENOUGH OR WORTHY TO HAVE RJ .  I HAD A BOTTLE OF PILLS  IN MY HANDS.  THAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT DOING IT .  I FELT SO DOWN AND  DEPRESSED.   AND  AT THAT SPILT OF THE SECOND .( I MADE THE DECISION I DON'T CARE ANY MORE)  BEFORE I NEW IT , I WAS POPPING PILLS.AND I COULD NOT STOP.  I DID STARTED FEELING GUILTY AND SO I JUST WANT MY FRIENDS TO KNOW I LOVED THEM.  IT WAS LIKE SAYING GOODBYE. SO I CALLED A OLD FRIEND.  FOR ME  TO TELL MY FRIENDS. THAT I DO LOVE THEM.  (HE NEW MY FRIENDS )
 WELL I'M NOT SURE ABOUT WHY I WANTED TO CALL ANYONE  BECAUSE I WANTED TO DIE.   AND I GUESS I DIDN'T WANT TO DIE  EATHIER.   WELL SOMEONE  CALLED 911.I BLACK OUT AND WHEN I CAME TO THE EMT WAS THERE AND HELPING ON TO THE STREACHER.  I BLACK OUT AGAIN . WHEN I CAME TO I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL ALONE.  THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND MADE ME DRINK SOME BLACK STUFF .  IT MADE ME THROW UP.  WHEN HE WAS DONE MY PARENTS CAME IN AND SAW ME AND SAID "THEIR IS NO REASON FOR US TO BE HERE."  THE DOCTOR TOLD MY PARENTS THAT I ALMOST DIED. 

IN MY CHURCH A WARD MEMBER CAME OVER AND GAVE ME A BLESSING AND THE BLESSING TALK ABOUT THAT THE LORD LOVED ME AND WANTED ME TO GO THROUGH THE STEPS OF REPENTANCE.    SLOWLY BUT SURELY,  STEP BY STEP I GAIN MY STREANTH AND I KNOW NOW THAT GOD REALLY DOSE LOVE ME.   I QUESTION OFF AND ON IN THE PAST. BUT I LEARNED A LOT THROUGH THIS TOUGH TIME. 

TO YOU READERS I ALSO  KNOW THAT WHEN A TRUE FRIENDS ARE IS WHEN THEY ARE WITH YOU THROUGH THE GOOD AND BAD TIMES.  PLEASE (THERE IS HELP, THERE IS HOPE AND I KNOW GOD LOVESYOU..)

A POEM I WORTE FOR RJ AND ONE ON MY BIRTH MOTHER

ABOUT MY BIRTH MOTHER

BLIND LOVE

MY DEAR LITTLE CHILD THAT I BEAR WITHIN ME. HOW CAN I EXPRESS MY LOVE FOR YOU.  I HOPE SOMEDAY YOU WILL SEE.

I TELL YOU I LOVE YOU FROM DEEP WITHIN MY HEART. A LOT OF FEAR BUT I DO CARE I HOPE MY DECISION WONT KEEP US APART.

I PRAYED AND PRAYED TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE. I LISTEN AND LISTEN FOR THE STILL SMALL VOICE.

THE TIME HAD COME TO DECISION WAS DONE. IT LEFT ME IN A BIND FOR I WANTED TO CHANGE MY MIND.

(MY HEART IS FILLED WITH MIXED EMOTIONS.)

A LOT TO BEAR A LOT OF CARE. A LOT OF FEAR, THAT BROUGHT TEARS.

FOR I AM HIVING SOMEONE MY BABY DAUGHTER. I PRAY FOR YOU THAT YOU WILL HAVE A LOVING MOTHER AND FATHER.

WILL YOU LOOK LIKE ME? HAVE THE SAME FEELINGS. SAME EYES SAME NOSE.  TIME WILL PASS BY AND BOTH OF US WILL NEVER KNOW.

DAY BY DAY A NEW MORNING DAWN. I REMEMBER THE LOVE FOR MY LITTLE ONE.

MONTH BY MONTH SEEMS VERY LONG. HOW I WONDER HOW SHE GETTING ALONG.

YEAR BY YEAR TIME HAS GONE. HOW IF FELT, THERE WAS A BOND.

(ONE DAY I FOUND HER I FOUND HER)

IT WAS A DREAM COME TRUE. IT WAS IN THE YEAR OF 1988 THE MONTH OF JUNE. SHE SAID HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE. I FELT YOU NEAR.

MY BIRTH MOTHER I KNEW IN MY HEART, I FELT YOUR LOVE. I PRAYED AND PRAYED TO MY FATHER ABOVE

THAT SOME DAY I COULD TELL YOU. YES MY PARENTS LOVE ME AND I LOVE YOU TOO.

RJ TESTIMONY

IN PRE-EARTH LIFE. WE WERE TOGETHER WE HAD HOPES AND GOALS,TO ACHIEVE TO DO ON EARTH. AND WE KNEW IT WOULDN'T BE EASY

BUT IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO COME BACK HOME. YES A HOME A HEAVENLY HOME. I PROMISE TO FIND YOU AND SHOW YOU THE WAY.

THE VEIL IS DRAWN AND NOW I AM BORN. I CANT REMEMBER YOU AND YES YOU CANT REMEMBER ME. I FIND YOU SOME HOW SOME WAY I TOUCH YOUR HEART AND NOW IT'S TIME.

THERE IS LIFE BEYOND AND NOW I CAN WALK EVEN CAN TALK. AND ILL SAY ILL REMEMBER YOU WILL YOU REMEMBER ME.

SUFFERING A DEPRESSION OF ABANDONMENT

IT WAS ABOUT ONE OR TWO YEARS.  AFTER RJ FATHER.DIED.    I DECIDED TO WRITE A BOOK AND TO TRY TO HELP PEOPLE.  WELL WHEN I GOT UP TO THE ABUSE  THAT MY HUSBAND DID .  I WAS STRUGGLING AND I HAD A HARD TIME BREATHING.  THEN I THOUGHT , I NEED TO TAKE  A BRAKE.  SO I WENT OUT SIDE TO GET THE MAIL.  MY BREATHING GOT WORSE. AND I FOUND MY SELF RUNNING TO THE MAILBOX AND BACK IN TO HOUSE.  THEN I WAS SLOWLY GETTING BETTER.  I CALLED MY COUNCILOR. THAT I WAS SEEING AT THE TIME.  AND I TOLD HER WHAT HAPPEN TO ME AND SHE SAID I WAS RELIVING THE EVENT.  I AT FIRST COULD NOT UNDERSTAND FOR GOING OUTSIDE WOULD BE A PROBLEM.  WELL IT CAME TO ME. SOME TIME LATTER THAT .MY HUSBAND TOLD ME THAT IF I LEAVE THE HOUSE I WOULD LOSE RJ.

ANOTHER TIME WAS WHEN I WENT BACK TO THE HOUSE THAT WE LIVED.  I DID NOT WANT THE PAST CONTROL ME SO THE PERSON THAT LIVED THERE SHE LET ME IN AND I EXPLAINED WHY I WAS THERE .  THEN WHEN I GOT TO THE BEDROOM I STARTED TO HAVE PROBLEMS AGAIN OF HARD BREATHING.  I DIDN'T NOW WHAT TO DO BUT ONLY RUN OUT OF THE HOUSE. ANOTHER TIME.   I WAS SCARED AT FIRST ABOUT COOKING  BECAUSE MY HUSBAND ALWAYS MAKING BAD STATEMENTS ABOUT MY COOKING ALL THE TIME .  WELL I DID NOT WANT   THIS TO KEEP ME FROM COOKING.   WILL ONE DAY DURING MY PRACTICING.COOKING .  I WAS STILL HUNGRY SO I GOT A SECOND PLATE OF FOOD.  AND I STOP AND STARTED TO CRY BECAUSE MY COOKING MUST OF BEEN GOOD TO GET A SECOND PLATE OF FOOD.  WELL SOME TIME AFTER RJ PAST MY EMOTION GOT WORSE AND GOING UP AND DOWN SO FAST .  THAT I WAS ADVICE A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE SAID YOU MIGHT HAVE O.C.D  WELL I WENT TO THE DOCTORS AND I WAS TOLD THAT I WAS SUFFERING WITH DEPRESSION OF ABANDONMENT, OCD,ANXIETY, AND PMDD. I AM NOT SURE IF THAT IS ALL OF THEM.  WELL THE MEDS THAT I AM ON IS HELPING ME AND I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE HELP TO START FEELING GOOD AGAIN.
TO THE READERS IF THERE IS SOMEONE THAT IS SUFFERING WITH ANYTHING THERE IS HELP.  I DON'T LIKE BEING ON MEDS BUT LIFE IS NOT EASY AND FOR THE HELP OF GOOD DOCTORS THAT CARE WILL FIND WHAT WILL WORK FOR YOU   PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP  FROM SOME ONE CARES  RJ'S MOM

ADULT ABUSE ABANDMENT

WHEN I WAS IN JR. HIGH SOME GUYS WOULD GIVE ME THAT LOOK. THAT TERRIBLE UP AND DOWN LOOK IT MADE  ME FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE TO BE AROUND BOYS. 
WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL A COUPLE TIMES MEN TRYED TO PICK ME UP TO GET IN THE CAR..  ONE OF THEM WAS JUST WALKING HOME AND THE OTHER ONE WAS WHEN I WAS WAITING FOR A BUS.  ONE TIME THERE WAS A MAN THAT WAS STOCKING ME. AND WHEN I WENT TO SCHOOL AND ON THE WAY HOME .  HE NEW WHEN I WAS COMING.  WELL .(HE DID GET CAUGHT).  WHEN I CAME HOME I GOT A JOB AND THERE WAS A TIME  I WAS KICK OUT  OF THE HOUSE .  I DID NOT WANT TO BE AFRAID OF MEN AND I ASK SOMEONE THAT I THOUGHT I CAN TRUST.  HE USE TO BE A BISHOP.  I ASK HIM A QUESTION AND HE TOOK IT AND TWIST IT AROUND .  I HAD SO MUCH TRUST IN HIM.THAT I COULD NOT MOVE WHEN HE PUT HIS HAND ON MY KNEE.   I WAS IN SHOCK THAT I COULD NOT MOVE. AND YES I WAS SEXUAL ABUSE BY HIM.                

 AND THERE WAS A TIME WHEN I GOT MARRIED, MY HUSBAND BECAME VERY CONTROLLING AND WHAT EVER I DO OR SAY. I WAS WRONG.  HE WOULD NOT TALK TO ME AT TIMES AND THEN AT TIMES HE WOULD JUST CUT ME DOWN ALL THE TIME.  RJ WOULD CRY WHEN MY HUSBAND WAS ANGRY WITH ME.  THEN HE WOULD TAKE RJ AWAY FROM ME AND.  I NEVER KNOW IF I WILL GET RJ BACK.  WHEN HE BROUGHT RJ BACK TO BED THEN I KNEW I HAVE RJ BACK.   HE WOULD NOT HOLD MY HAND IN PUBLIC. AND HE DID IT IN A WAY THAT PEOPLE NEW, HE DID NOT CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK.   THERE WAS TIMES HE WOULD NOT WALK BESIDE ME. 
I FOUND OUT FROM HIS  SHRINK THAT HE ABUSE ME IN ALL ABUSES THERE IS IN THE BOOK.  THERE WERE TIMES  I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO BECAUSE HE WOULD NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE.  HE SAID IF I LEAVE I WOULD NOT GET RJ.  I JUST WANTED TO GO FOR A WALK. AND LET HIM COOL DOWN. MY HUSBAND DID GO BACK ON DRUGS I DID NOT KNOW AT FIRST BUT WHEN HE TOLD ME ABOUT IT.  HE SAID THAT   HE NEED TO  WORK IT OUT ON HIS OWN WAY  SO I DID .  THERE WAS THE TIME WHEN I LEFT HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER.  AND END UP IN THE WOMAN SHELTER.  RJ WAS GETTING SICK THERE.  A COUPLE LET US STAY WITH THEM. FOR A FEW DAYS.  WELL I DID WENT BACK TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE . HE WAS GETTING HELP FOR A LITTLE BIT .  BUT THAT ONLY LAST A COUPLE MONTHS.  THEN HE TOOK US AWAY FROM MY HOME TOWN AND TOOK US TO CONN. WHERE HE IS FROM.  HE WAS GETTING WORSE SO I TOOK RJ WITH ME THE SECOND TIME I LEFT HIM.   AND STAYED WITH HIS PARENTS.  ONE NIGHT MY HUSBAND CAME OVER THE HOUSE AND TRIED TO WORK THINGS OUT  AGAIN.  I TOLD HIM HE NEEDS TO GET HELP. HE MISTREATED HIS MOTHER AT THAT TIME  AND THEY BOTH FELL TO THE FLOOR, I JUST COULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT I  WAS SEEING.  HE CAME OVER TO ME  AND GRAB RJ OUT MY ARMS ,AND TOOK OFF WITH HIM.   I STARTED TO GO AFTER HIM BUT HIS MOTHER SAID DON'T.  WELL I CALLED THE POLICE AND THEY CAME OVER.    A HR LATER   MY HUSBAND CALLED AT THE HOUSE AND TOLD HIS DAD WHERE TO GO GET RJ.   IT TOOK ABOUT AN HOUR TO GET THERE. AND WE MADE IT IN TIME FOR HIS MED TIME.  A COUPLE OR JUST ONE DAY LATER WE GOT A CALL FROM THE POLICE AND SAID TO GO TO THE HOUSE WHERE WE WERE LIVING SO I DID. THE NEXT DOOR  RENTER  CAME TO ME AND SAID.   HE IS DEAD.  I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO SO I JUST STOOD BY THE POLICE CAR AND YELLED OUT THE WORD OFFICER.  HE CAME.  I ASK HIM IS HE DEAD , AND HE SAID YES,    I DON'T REMEMBER HOW NUMB I WAS BUT I NEW I HAD TO HOLD IT TOGETHER FOR LITTLE RJ . I FELT AGAIN ABANDONMENT .

MOMMY MARATHOON

I TOOK RJ TO THE 2002 MARATHON AND IT WAS AMAZING.  WATCHING THE FIRST FEW PEOPLE THAT CAME IN WAS SO EXCITING THAT FEELING WAS AMAZING THAT I NEED TO DO IT.  SO THE NEXT DAY  I STARTED RUNNING.  MAN I WAS OUT OF SHAPE  WHEN RJ WENT TO THE NEXT P.E. CLASS THEY RAN TO THE FENCE AND BACK. WITH THE CHILDREN.  I WAS BREATHING VERY HARD.  MAN I SAID TO THE P.E. TEACHER I GOT A LONG WAY TO GO TO GET TO THE 26.2 MILE RACE. WELL THE FOLLOWING MONTH RJ PAST AWAY.  IT WAS SO HARD TO FOCUS ON MY RUNNING WITH OUT RJ BUT I HAD A COUPLE FRIENDS THERE FOR ME WITH DEALING WITH RJ AND THE RUNNING.  THEY WERE RUNNERS TOO.  BY JANUARY I JUST COULD NOT HANDLE LIFE ANY MORE I TRIED TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE.  WHEN I  WAS ABLE TO LEAVE THE HOSPITAL.  I STARTED TO RUN AGAIN.  WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL MY TWO FRIENDS THAT WERE THERE DID NOT WANT TO BE AROUND ME ANY MORE.  I HAD TO DO MY TRAINING BY MY SELF.  IT WAS THE WORSE TIME OF MY LIFE. I LOST MY SON, I LOST MY BEST FRIENDS, I AM TRYING TO GO THROUGH THE STEPS OF REPENTANCE FOR WHAT I DID.  AND NOW TRAINING MY SELF FOR THE BIG RACE THAT WAS COMING UP.  WELL THE TIME CAME AND TO MY AMAZE I DID IT WITH OUT STOPPING,  I DID WALK THE HILLS BUT OTHER WISE I RAN.  RJ'S SCHOOL DID A ONE MILE RUN BEFORE HE PASS AWAY IT WAS NEAT TO BE IN A RACE WITH HIM. I AM THINKING OF DOING ONE MORE RUN HOPING IN 2O11. 

YOU KNOW TAKING CARE OF RJ WAS A MARATHON IN A DIFFERENT WAY.  RJ I HOPE YOU WILL BE WITH ME WHEN I RUN AGAIN  I LOVE YOU.

A MOTHER'S LOVE FOR CHILD

WHEN I BECAME IN MY TWENTY'S I THOUGHT OF MARRIAGE.  AND FAMILY.  I DO REMEMBER SAYING THAT I WANT A SON FIRST BECAUSE HE WOULD TAKE CARE OF HIS MOTHER.  WELL WHEN I DID GET MARRIED I WAS NOT SURE IF I WAS GOING TO GET CHILDREN BECAUSE OF GETTING MARRIED LATE,  I WAS 29 OF AGE.  WELL WHEN I WAS PREGENT. I HAD A DREAM THAT IS WAS A BOY. 

YOU KNOW LIKE ALL PARENTS SAY THAT THEY HOPE TO HAVE A HEATH CHILD.  WE WANTED THAT TO.  RJ WAS A HEATH BOY AT BIRTH AND A FEW MONTHS.  BUT WHEN WE FOUND OUT HIS CONDITION  I WOULD TEACH HIM EVERYTHING I COULD BY TALKING TO HIM.  I WOULD READ TO HIM THE SCRIPTURES,  AND HE STAY AWAKE THROUGH  ALL OF THEM.  THEN WHEN I WANTED TO READ THEM AGAIN RJ WOULD MAKE NOISES THAT HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO READ THEM AGAIN.  IT CAME TO ME THAT RJ ONLY NEEDED ONLY ONE TIME. READ AND THEN  MOVE ON.  WELL I TOLD HIM, I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THE SCRIPTURE NOW.  BUT MOMMY NEEDS TO READ THEM AGAIN AND AGAIN.  SO EVERY TIME I READ THE SCRIPTURES RJ WOULD FALL TO SLEEP.  I TRIED TO DO EVERYTHING THAT I COULD DO FOR HIM AND BEING THEIR FOR HIM .  WHEN RJ DAD DIED RJ WAS 18MONTH OLD I KNOW THAT HEAVENLY FATHER WAS THERE FOR ME .  I AM GRATEFUL TO HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE TO KNOW THAT I WILL SEE MY SON AGAIN IN THE NEXT LIFE. HAS I LOOK BACK RIGHT NOW,  I SEE THAT BECAUSE OF RJ I GOT MY JOBS.  AND BECAUSE OF RJ I GOT MY HOME.  RJ REALLY DID TAKE CARE OF ME  WHEN HE WAS HER AND WHEN HE WAS GONE.  RJ I LOVE YOU YESTERDAY , TODAY, TOMORROW.AND FOREVER

SCHOOL CHOIR AND GYM CLASS P.E.

RJ LOVED P.E.  I WOULD GO TO THE SCHOOL TO BE WITH RJ AND LET HIM PLAY WITH THE KIDS WHEN THEY RAN ,I RAN WITH THEM.  IT WAS A WAY FOR ME FOR RJ TO BE PART OF IT . WHEN THEY RAN AROUND THE TRACK THEY HAD.   I WOULD PUSH  RJ  AROUND WITH HIM THE KIDS LOVED IT.  THERE WAS TWO TIMES THAT I WAS LATE FOR P.E. AND RJ WAS CRYING ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE HALL UNTIL HE WAS IN THE GYM WITH THE KIDS.   

I ALL SO TOOK RJ TO THE DANCES AT THE SINGLES  AND RJ WAS MY FAVORITE DANCING PARTNER  I WOULD TAKE HIM  IN HIS LITTLE WHEELCHAIR AND PUSH HIM AROUND IN IT AND SPIN HIM AROUND .  HE WOULD JUST LAUGH.    RJ ALL SO LOVED MUSIC.  HE WAS IN THE CHOIR.  THE SCHOOL DEDICATED A SONG TO RJ  (MAKE A MIRACLE)   THEY CALLED IT (RJ SONG).

FIGHTING TO THE END

WHEN RJ WAS BORN HE WAS 7LB   12 INS   22FEET LONG .  VERY HEATH BOY.  HIS WEIGHT WAS GOOD FOR AWHILE.  I DON'T REMEMBER WHEN HIS WEIGHT. I DO REMEMBER HE WAS TRYING TO ROLL OVER . HE WAS ONLY ABLE TO DO THAT ABOUT 3 TO 4 TIMES THEN HIS MUSSELS WERE SHRINKING  WHILE HE WAS GROWING. THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO STOP THE DISEASE .
THE DOCTOR ADVISED ENSURE PLUS FOR HIM TO EAT  RJ HAD TO HAVE A (N.G.) TUBE AT THE AGE 2 AND HALF. YEARS OLD .  RJ WAS UPSET IN AWAY  ( THROWING  A FIT ) ONLY TWO TIMES IN HIS LIFE.  RJ WOULD GIVE YOU THE EYE BROW TALK, AND THE LOWER LIP WHEN HE WAS SAD.  WHEN RJ WAS IN THE HOSPITAL TO GET SHOTS .  HE WOULD NOT MIND .  HE HAD SO MANY OF THEM. THE BLOOD DRAWN WAS PAINFUL FOR HIM.  HE HAD A LOT OF SEIZURES   THE WORSE ONE THAT I SAW,HE WAS IN ONE FOR 12HRS.  HE SLEEP FOR TWO DAYS AND ONE NIGHT.  HE WOULD COME OUT OF ONE FOR ONE DEEP BREATH.AND  WOULD GO BACK IN TO ANOTHER ONE LUCKY THAT HE WAS ON A FEEDING TUBE.. 

THE YEAR BEFORE RJ WENT IT WAS NOV. 02.  HE GOT VERY SICK AND HOSPITALISED AND WHEN THE DOCTOR SAID THAT IT COULD BE ANY MOMENT THAT HE COULD GO. I HAD A PANTACK ATTACK  AND THE DR. PUT ME ON SOME OXYGEN AND GAVE ME SOMETHING TO TAKE.  RJ THEN BECAME STABLE , NOT GOOD BUT  NOT GETTING WORSE.  THE DOCTOR CAME TO ME AND SAID THAT HE WOULD LIKE TO TRY ONE MORE THING.  AND SLOWLY RJ CAME BACK.  RJ GAVE ONE WHOLE YR. TO BE WITH ME AND HE PASS AWAY NOV. 23. 2003

RJ DOCTOR THAT CARES FOR HIS PATIENTS

WHEN I FIRST MOVED BACK TO UT AFTER MY HUSBAND DIED .  I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR TO GO TO . BUT I HAVE  A FRIEND THAT I HAVE KNOW FOR ALONG TIME AND SHE TOLD ME  ABOUT HER DOCTOR .  DOCTOR NILSON,  I WATCH HIM WITH RJ AND LISTEN TO HIM.  EVEN HE ASK ME QUESTIONS AND HE LISTENED TO ME SOMETIMES HE WILL AGREE.  BUT I TOTAL TRUST HIM AS A DOCTOR.  MAKE A WISH CAME TO US AND WE WENT TO DISNEYLAND.  YOU HAVE TO BRING A NURSE OR A DR.  WITH YOU AND I AM SO LUCKY TO HAVE RJ DR. COME.  BECAUSE RJ HAD A LOT OF SEIZURES.  AND BY WATCHING THE DR. WITH RJ.  IT HELP ME TO KNOW HOW TO HANDLE LATTER WHAT TO DO AND IT HELP BE PATIENT WHICH WAS VERY HARD FOR A MOTHER TO DO.

WHEN IT RAINS IT POORS

I LOOK BACK AND I CANT BELIEVE WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH HERE I AM CLEAR ACROSS THE UNITED STATES IN CONN.  LIVING IN A HOME THAT THE FLOOR IS SO UNEVEN. AND MY HUSBAND ABUSES GOT WORSE.  WHEN HE TOOK RJ THIS TIME I DID NOT NOW I WAS GOING TO GET RJ BACK. I WAS AFRAID I HAD TO USE A PAY PHONE TO GET A RIDE TO CHURCH IN THE MORNING.  I WAS AFRAID THAT I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO GET BACK IN THE HOUSE.  I CALLED MY BISHOP AND LET HIM KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON AND THAT I NEEDED A RIDE TO CHURCH.  THE BISHOP DID CALL A COUPLE TO PICK ME UP IN THE MORNING .WELL DURNING THE NIGHT WHEN MY HUSBAND BROUGHT RJ BACK AND LEFT THE ROOM.  THE FIRST THING I SAID TO MY SELF WAS (YOU JUST LOST US)  BECAUSE I WAS NOT COMING BACK .  WELL MORNING CAME AND OUR RIDE CAME.  AND I DID NOT COME HOME FROM CHURCH.  I DID STAY WITH THE IN LAWS FOR A COUPLE DAYS AND MY HUSBAND CAUGHT UP WITH US.  I WAS SO STUNNED OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING .  THE WAY HE WAS TREATING HIS MOM AND THEN HE KICK ME IN THE CHEST AND TOOK RJ WITH HIM .  IT TOOK TWO HOURS OR SO AND A FEW POLICE TO GET MY BABY RJ BACK .  THE NEXT DAY OR TWO WE GOT A PHONE CALL THAT THEY FOUND MY HUSBAND IN THE BACK YARD .  (HE TOOK HIS OWN LIFE) I WAS JUST PLANING TO GET A DEFORSE  AND NOW I AM A WIDOW ALL OF A SUDDEN. RJ AND I FLEW BACK HOME TO UTAH.  MY LIFE HAS TOTALLY  CHANGE AGAIN.

A COACH TOOK THE TIME TO CARE

I WENT ACROSS THE STREET TO THE BALL PARK , THEY WERE HAVING TRY OUTS AND SIGNING UP FOR THE TEAMS.  RJ JUST WENT OVER TO SEE THE PEOPLE , BUT A LADY CAME UP TO ME AND SAID THAT HER HUSBAND WANTED RJ TO BE ON HIS TEAM .  I SAID REALLY THAT WOULD BE SO NEET.  RJ GOT HIS NUMBER SHIRT AND PANTS AND THE CHILDREN LOVED WHEN RJ WAS AROUND .  THEY WOULD LET A PLAYER HIT THE BALL AND THE COACH WOULD PUSH RJ AROUND THE BASES AND MAKE A HOME RUN RJ JUST LOVED THAT.  THEN THEY WOULD START THE GAME.  THEY WON THEIR GAMES AND ONE NIGHT RJ WAS SICK THAT HE COULD NOT PLAY, AND THE TEAM LOST THEIR FIRST GAME.  THEY CALLED RJ THEIR LUCKY CHARM.

BLANKET STORY BOOK

RJ'S CLASS CAME UP WITH A NEAT WONDERFUL IDEA. A PROJECT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN SOME ONE'S LIFE. AND THEY CHOICEN MY SON. THE TEACHER GOT A TAPE RECORDER AND TAPE THEIR VOICES WHILE THEY READ TO RJ .  THEY ALSO PAINT A PICTURE OF THE STORY ON A SQUARE BLOCK OF METERAL AND THE TEACHER SEW IT TOGETHER AND MADE A BLANKET OUT OF IT.  THE KIDS GOT TO HELP AND TIED THE QUILT. THEY GAVE RJ HIS BLANKET ON HIS BIRTHDAY

BOY SCOUTS

THEY LET RJ JOINED THE BOY SCOUTS WHEN RJ BECAME THE AGE OF A BOY SCOUT.  I WAS EXCITED TO GET HIS SHIRIT AND THINGS THAT HE NEEDED.  THE WAY HE PASS THINGS OFF IS THAT I READ TO HIM AND MADE THE THINGS FOR HIM BUT I WOULD TALK IT THROUGH WITH HIM.  ONE OF THE PICTURES THE TWO BOYS ARE WALKING BEHIND RJ LIKE.  RJ LEADING THEM IN WITH THE FLAG LIKE THEY DO IN THE MEETINGS.  RJ WAS A WOLF AND HE DID ENJOY THE BOYS JUST AS MUCH AS THE GUY"S

MRI TEST

I TOOK RJ TO HIS 6TH MONTH CHECK UP AND THE DOCTOR NOTICE THAT RJ WAS NOT HOLDING HIS HEAD UP BY HIM SELF.  SO WE TOOK RJ TO THE PRIMARY HOSPITAL AND HAD THAT DONE.  THE DOCTORS FOUND OUT THAT THE MYLEIN SHEATH WAS MISSING AND LONG STORY SHORT RJ HAS A CONDITION CALLED PELIZAEUS-MERZBACHER DISEASE.WHEN  WE FOUND OUT THAT HE COULD DIE I JUST FELT LIKE NOTHING IS MINE TO STAY  HOW CAN I GIVE UP MY CHILD.  I QUICKLY TOOK HIM AND GOT THIS PICTURE OF HIM.  I DID NOT KNOW WHEN HE COULD GO I DID NOT WANT TO TAKE A CHANCE OF NOT GETTING A PICTURE .

IT WAS LIKE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR

IT WAS NOT TO LONG AFTER I MOVED BACK ,THAT MOM WAS UP SET WITH ME AGAIN   I DO REMEMBER THAT I DID BRING UP ONCE IN AWHILE, WANTING TO KNOW ABOUT MY BIRTH MOTHER.  AND I KNOW I REMEMBER THAT I TOLD MY MOM THAT  I JUST WANT TO KNOW THINGS ABOUT HER, I AM NOT TRING TO TRIAD MOM S.  I KNOW IN MY MIND THAT MY BIRTH MOTHER GAVE ME  UP FOR SOME REASON (GOOD OR BAD STUPID WHAT EVER)  JUST BECAUSE MOM AND I ARENT CLOSE AT[ ALL.  [ NO I WOULD NOT GO TO MY BIRTH MOTHER.TO STAY] I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO AM I.  DOSE SHE LOOK LIKE ME I JUST HAD QUESTIONS.
ONE DAY  OUT OF THE BLUE ONE NIGHT MOM CAME IN TO THE ROOM WERE I WAS AND SHE DIDNT LOOK HAPPY BUT SHE SAID "I WILL FIND YOUR MOTHER JUST GIVE ME ONE WEEK.  AND SHE LEFT.  BOY I WAS SO STUNNED THAT I KNOW I WAS IN SHOCK BECAUSE THE WAY SHE WAS THAT NIGHT I KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE KICK OUT AGAIN OR SHE WILL FIND MY BIRTH MOTHER, AND I KNEW THERE IS NO WAY SHE COULD FIND HER, SO I THOUGHT I WILL BE TOLD TO LEAVE AT THE END OF THE WEEK.

A FEW DAY''S  GONE  BY AND MY MOM CAME TO ME AND SAID YOU ARE GOING TO MEET YOUR MOTHER IN A WEEK AT YOUR UNCLE'S HOME. I WAS STUNNED AGAIN AND I THOUGHT HOW. DID SHE KEEP THINGS FROM,ME  WHY DIDNT SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE HAD A PEACE OF PAPER WITH HER NAME ON IT.  THE TIME CAME  TO GO TO MY UNCLE'S   UP NORTH 
 I WAS IN HIS LIVING ROOM AND I WAS SO NERVOUS AND I HEARD A CAR DOOR SHUT AND I WENT TO THE KITCHEN AND I  LOOK OUT THE WINDOW,   MY FIRST WORDS WERE, [OH MY GOSH. GASPING FOR AIR AND SAYING IT'S LIKE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR.]  I RAN TO THE BATHROOM AND I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR AND NOTICED THAT I HAD NO COLOR IN MY FACE WILL JUST PACING BACK AND FORTH AND WHEN I HEARD THE DOOR BELL AND HEARD HER VOICE I SLOWLY CAME OUT  AND CAME TOWARD HER.     SHE TOLD ME HER NAME AND I WAS SPEECHLESS BECAUSE I COULD NOT REMEMBER MY OWN NAME.  WELL WE TRIED TO GET 23 OR 24 YEARS IN TO 6 HRS.  WE HUG AND SIT TOGETHER AND SHE TOLD ME WHY .  SHE WAS 18 YEARS OF AGE  AND NOT MARRIED AND THE BOY FRIEND SAID [HOW DO YOU KNOW IT IS MY BABY.]  AND LEFT HER..
 I UNDERSTAND EVEN THOUGHT I JUST COULD NOT DO THAT.  I DO KNOW WITH ALL MY HEART THAT SHE DID THE RIGHT THING FOR HER.  I NEVER DID GET TO KNOW MY BIRTH FATHER BUT I AM SO GRATEFUL TO KNOW HAS MUCH I DO KNOW ABOUT MY BIRTH MOTHER. EXCEPTIONALLY THAT I LOOK LIKE HER.  IT HEAL A LOT  OF  THINGS THAT HELP ME GET CLOSER.  BY LOOKING LIKE HER .IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE  I AM NOT FROM MARS OR SOME OTHER PLACE. MY PARENTS THAT I GROWN UP WITH THY ARE GOOD PARENTS IT WAS JUST THERE WAS NO HUGS AND MY MOM PRIDE GETS IN THE WAY ALOT HAD SHE SPENDS MOST OF HER TIME IN READING  AND DAD JUST DID NOT KNOW HOW TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS DAUGHTERS MY PARENTS DID GET MARRIED LATE IN LIFE,  AND THAT DIDNT HELP TO DO THINGS WHEN WE GOT HOLDER. WE DID HAVE A LOT OF FUN TIMES BUT FEELING LIKE YOU DON'T BELONG WAS A BIG THING THAT I STRUGGLE WITH .

I FELT LOST NOT WANTED OR GOOD ENOUGH

I WAS SO EXCITED TO PLAY VOLLEYBALL I ENJOY PLAYING SPORTS AND MY MOM WAS INTO SPORTS ALL HER LIFE AND I WANTED TO BE LIKE HER.  AND GET TROPHY LIKE SHE GOTS.  WILL VOLLEY BALL SEASON CAME AND MY MOM WAS THE COACH      
THAT CAN BE A GOOD THING AND A BAD THING.)  
I DO HAVE A ARM THAT WILL NOT STRAITENS  ALL THE WAY.  SO THE BALL "CAN GO EVERYWHERE"  WELL OUR TEAM WAS GOOD ENOUGH TO WIN FIRST PLACE I THOUGHT TO MY SELF WOW A TROPHY JUST LIKE MY MOM .  AND FIRST PLACE. TROPHY.  WELL I ALSO DID NOT WANT TO JUST GET THE TROPHY FOR SETTING ON THE BENCH EITHER..  MOM KNOWS I AM NOT THAT GOOD OF A PLAYER BUT LIKE PLAYING BALL.  (REMEMBER THIS IS CHURCH BALL).  I WANTED TO WIN FIRST PLACE SO I WOULD PRACTICED BY MY SELF AND REALLY WORK HARD.  THE TIME CAME TO PLAY THE FINIAL GAME AND WE WERE NECK TO NECK MOST OF THE TIME.
 MOM CALLED A TIME OUT AND I OVER HEARD MY MOM SAY TO A PLAYER "WHEN THE BALL COMES TO LYNDA I WANT YOU TO JUMP IN  AND YOU HIT THE BALL"
 I COULD NOT BELIEVE SHE WOULD SAY THAT .  I JUST KEEP QUITE AND SAID A PRAYER AND ASK GOD TO HELP ME. THE TIME CAME FOR ME TO SERVE THE BALL OVER THE NET I WOULD DO THE THINGS I NEEDED TO DO LIKE MAKING SURE I DON'T STEP ON THE LINE AND ETC.  PLAYERS WOULD SAY HURRY HURRY. I DID NOT LISTEN TO THEN.  EVEN THOUGH THE TIME ON THE CLOCK WAS TICKING.  I MADE MY SERVES AND THEY COULD NOT RETURN MOST OF THEM AND BOY THAT FELT GOOD
THE GAME WAS OVER AND WE WON FIRST PLACE AND I HELP WIN IT.   I WAS SO HAPPY  WILL MOM AND I WALK HOME AND I SHOWED MY MOM THE TROPHY AND THAT I WAS SO EXCITED.  MOM REPLAYED AND SAID  "NOW YOU GOT YOUR TROPHY SHUT UP ABOUT IT"  I WENT NUMB AND DIDN'T SAY A NOTHER WORD ALL THE WAY HOME AND I WENT IN THE BACK WAY IN TO THE HOUSE AND WENT UP STAIRS AND PUT THE TROPHY IN THE DRAWER AND SHUT IT.  I SAT ON THE BED AND JUST CRIED.  I FELT LIKE I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT WITH MY MOM   I FELT NOT WANTED .
I WALK TO SCHOOL BY MY SELF MOST OF MY SCHOOL YEARS.  NOT THAT I WANTED TO ,IT WAS JUST THE WAY IT WAS. 

BEING IN SPECIAL ED ALL THROUGH THE YEARS.PEOPLE LOOK AT YOU FUNNY OR DIFFERENT.  I FELT LOST AND NOT WANTED OR GOOD ENOUGH  IT WAS LIKE THIS OFF AND ON ALL THROUGH THE  YEARS. SO I COULD NOT FEEL CLOSE TO MY MOM. 


  LIVE HAS ITS UPS AND DOWNS

LOOKING FOR MY BIRTH MOTHER

{PLEASE READERS THAT WHAT I WRITE IS VERY TRUE WHAT HAPPEN. AND YEARS LATTER I LEARNED THAT PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES EVEN ( PARENTS )AND (CHILDREN )EVEN THEY  MAKE MISTAKES.
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WHEN I WAS IN SIX GRADE, I WAS TEASING MY LITTLE SISTER. AND MY MOM WAS, UPSET WITH ME VERY UPSET.  SHE PUSH ME BACK WARD ON TO MY BED AND WITH HER FINGER POINTING AT ME AND SAID [LEAVE MY DAUGHTER ALONE OR GET OUT] I WAS SCARED OF HER. BUT HAS I WAS LAYING THERE THINKING WHAT SHE SAID AND I GOT THINKING THAT IS RIGHT I AM NOT YOUR REALLY NOT YOUR DAUGHTER     

AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THAT I WANTED TO LOOK FOR MY BIRTH MOTHER .I REMEMBER TELLING A FRIEND THAT I WANTED TO MOVE OUT AND LIVE WITH HER BUT IT BECAME ONLY TALKING ABOUT IT.

THERE WAS A TIME AFTER I GOT HOME FROM MY MISSION THAT I WAS VISITING MY MOM AT HER HOME, ON HER BIRTHDAY.  AND MOM BROUGHT UP MY MISSION AND SHE WANTED TO UNDERSTAND WHY I DIDN'T GET A GIFT LIKE MY SIS GAVE HER.. MY SIS GAVE OUR MOM A( GOLD LEAF TEMPLE.) WELL I TRIED TO TELL HER THAT I ONLY HAD SO MUCH LEFT TO SPEND ON GIFTS FOR THE FAMILY.
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{COMING HOME FROM MY MISSION}

MY MOM MISUNDERSTAND AND THOUGHT I  WAS SAYING THAT SHE WAS ONLY WORTH FIVE DOLLARS AND THAT WAS NOT WHAT I SAID .  I SAID THAT I ONLY HAVE FIVE DOLLARS TO SPEND ON FOR  THE FAMILY. SHE WAS SO UPSET AND ANGRY AND SHE WAS COMING TOWARD ME AND MY DAD TRIED TO HOLD HER BACK . I NEVER SEEN HER SO MADE AND SHE WOULD NOT LET ME EXPLAIN.  SHE YELL "GET OUT " A COUPLE  TIMES.  WAS SO SCARED OF HER THAT I RAN OUT SCREAMING AND RAN OUT THE DOOR. I WAS SHAKING SO BAD THAT I COULD NOT OPEN THE DOOR AND I WAS AFRAID SHE WAS COMING TO GET ME.  IT TOOK ME A FEW TIMES TO GET THE DOOR OPEN.  I DID NOT NOW WERE TO GO AND I DID NOT HAVE ANY MONEY AND I WAS VERY LOW IN GAS IN THE CAR. I WAS IN SHOCK THAT I COULD NOT THINK. THE ONLY PERSON I COULD THINK  WAS THE LAST PERSON I SAW AT WORK. I CALLED HIM AND HE GAVE ME SOME MONEY  TO PUT IN THE CAR.  I DID LIVE IN MY CAR FOR A FEW DAYS AND NIGHTS.  I WOULD BRUSH MY TEETH WHEN THE SPRINKLES CAME ON AT FOUR IN THE MORNING. AND I WOULD CHANGE CLOTHES IN THE BATHROOM AT THE PARK.  I NEVER THOUGHT OF FAST FOODS.  I WAS SO SCARED TO GO BACK HOME. 

WHY DO I LOOK DIFFERENT

I WAS TURNNING 9 YEARS OF AGE AND MOM CAME TO ME AND SAID "OH BY THE WAY THERE IS ANOTHER GIFT FOR YOU THAT I FORGOT TO BRING UP STAIRS" SO I TOOK OFF RUNNING AND WHEN I GOT TO THE STAIR WAY I WALK SLOWER AND GOING DOWN THE STAIRS WERE NEARER AND STEEP.  I LOOK AROUNG LOOKING FOR A GIFT THAT WAS RAP.  I SPOT ONE , HANGING ON THE WALL AND IT WAS SHAPE LIKE A TENNIS RACKET.  I WAS NOT SO EXSIDED ANY MORE.  BUT I WENT OVER ANYWAYS TO GET IT AND OPEN IT
                                                                                                         RJ MOMMY

ANYWAYS. YEP I SAID TO MY SELF ,IT IS A TENNIS RACKET.  HAS I WAS GOING TOWARD THE STAIRS I SAW A PICTURE OF THE FAMILY.  I NOTICED THAT I LOOK DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHERS.  MOM AND DAD AND OLDER SISTER HAD VERY VERY DARK HAIR AND MINE WAS VERY LIGHT AND NOT VERY MUCH EATHER.  BY THEN MOM AND SIS CAME DOWN AND WAS WOUNDER WHY I WAS TAKING TO LONG. I DID ASK MOM WHY I LOOK DIFFERENT AND SHE OPENED UP AND SAID (YOU WERE NOT OURS AND NOW YOU ARE) I DIDNT THINK OF IT MUCH BUT SHE DID SAY WHAT ADOPOTION MENT.  I THEN SAID (OH OK ) THEN I WENT UP AND PLAYED WITH MY OTHER TOYS."NOT MY TENNIS RACKET"

KEEPING RJ'S NAME ALIVE

HELLO EVERYONE, ( I LOVE BEING CALLED RJ'S MOM  BECAUSE IT KEEPS  RJ S NAME ALIVE. )
                   I WENT THROUGH A LOT OF HARD TRIALS IN MY LIFE.  THAT NOW I WANT TO HELP OTHERS.   MAYBE SOMEONE  OUT THERE WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING  AS I DID OR  SOME THINGS THAT I WENT THROUGH .  I WANT TO SHARE MY STORY TO LIGHTEN AND LIFT THERE BURDDEN,TO MAKE SOME ONE DAY ,TO LET THEM KNOW THAT SOME ONE CARES AND THAT THEY ARE NOT ALONE.
 THIS IS THE LIST OF THINGS THAT I WENT TROUGH AND GOING TO PUT THEM ON THE BLOG.  ONE AT A TIME, TO PUT THEM MORE DETAIL.  I HOPE I CAN TOUCH ,LIFT SOMEONES HEART.
1.DOPTION
2..DIDNT FEEL FIT IN GROWING UP.
3.WAS IN SPECIAL ED ALL THROUGH MY SCHOOL YEARS
4.WENT ON A L.D.S MISSION
5.BEEN KICK OUT OF MY HOUSE
6.MARRIED AT THE AGE OF 29
7.HAVING A CHILD THAT IS DISABLE
8. HUSBAND THAT WAS ON DRUGS AND BECAME ABUSE OF
9.LIFT MY HUSBAND TWICE (I GAVE HIM A CHANCE)
10.HUSBAND TOOK HIS LIFE
11.PLANNING TO GET A DEFORCE BUT BECAME A INSTENT WIDOW
12. RAISING A DISABLE AND DIEING CHILD ALONE.
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THIS IS RJ LAST PICTURE HE PASS AWAY AT THE AGE OF 10 IN 2003