WHEN I GAVE UP

WHEN I FELT NOT WANTED  OFF AND ON THROUGH MY LIFE.   I DID NOT WANT TO LIVE.  I TRIED A COUPLE TIMES LONG TIME AGO T0 TAKE MY LIFE  .  BUT  SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN LIKE ,THE PHONE WOULD RING OR SOMEONE CAME HOME TO SOON.  THE FEELING NOT WANTED WAS SO THICK THAT IF SOMEONE SAID THEY LOVED ME . OR THEY CARED I WOULD SAY TO MY SELF (YEA SURE YOU DO ) I WOULD NOT BELIEVE THEM.   WHEN RJ DIED AND TWO MONTHS WENT BY .  I WAS QUIT HURT FROM MY FRIENDS BECAUSE  THEY DID NOT WANT ME AROUND ANY MORE.   I JUST COULD NOT HANDLE IT ANY MORE.  I  ALSO FELT NOT GOOD ENOUGH OR WORTHY TO HAVE RJ .  I HAD A BOTTLE OF PILLS  IN MY HANDS.  THAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT DOING IT .  I FELT SO DOWN AND  DEPRESSED.   AND  AT THAT SPILT OF THE SECOND .( I MADE THE DECISION I DON'T CARE ANY MORE)  BEFORE I NEW IT , I WAS POPPING PILLS.AND I COULD NOT STOP.  I DID STARTED FEELING GUILTY AND SO I JUST WANT MY FRIENDS TO KNOW I LOVED THEM.  IT WAS LIKE SAYING GOODBYE. SO I CALLED A OLD FRIEND.  FOR ME  TO TELL MY FRIENDS. THAT I DO LOVE THEM.  (HE NEW MY FRIENDS )
 WELL I'M NOT SURE ABOUT WHY I WANTED TO CALL ANYONE  BECAUSE I WANTED TO DIE.   AND I GUESS I DIDN'T WANT TO DIE  EATHIER.   WELL SOMEONE  CALLED 911.I BLACK OUT AND WHEN I CAME TO THE EMT WAS THERE AND HELPING ON TO THE STREACHER.  I BLACK OUT AGAIN . WHEN I CAME TO I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL ALONE.  THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND MADE ME DRINK SOME BLACK STUFF .  IT MADE ME THROW UP.  WHEN HE WAS DONE MY PARENTS CAME IN AND SAW ME AND SAID "THEIR IS NO REASON FOR US TO BE HERE."  THE DOCTOR TOLD MY PARENTS THAT I ALMOST DIED. 

IN MY CHURCH A WARD MEMBER CAME OVER AND GAVE ME A BLESSING AND THE BLESSING TALK ABOUT THAT THE LORD LOVED ME AND WANTED ME TO GO THROUGH THE STEPS OF REPENTANCE.    SLOWLY BUT SURELY,  STEP BY STEP I GAIN MY STREANTH AND I KNOW NOW THAT GOD REALLY DOSE LOVE ME.   I QUESTION OFF AND ON IN THE PAST. BUT I LEARNED A LOT THROUGH THIS TOUGH TIME. 

TO YOU READERS I ALSO  KNOW THAT WHEN A TRUE FRIENDS ARE IS WHEN THEY ARE WITH YOU THROUGH THE GOOD AND BAD TIMES.  PLEASE (THERE IS HELP, THERE IS HOPE AND I KNOW GOD LOVESYOU..)